Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Depression (Post #666, of course)

It's been a four months since I wrote this post. I wish I had a hilarious blog like Hyperbole and a Half that would make this all seem... I don't know, better. Unfortunately, Adventures in Depression, Depression Part Two and Sneaky Hate Spiral have already been written and illustrated by a far greater mind than me. I reference these particular three blog posts because that is pretty much me, all day, every day.

The only things that are "better" is that I don't cry as much as I used to and my appetite has come back. What has gotten worse is my self-esteem and my drinking problem. It's STUPID to get so worked up over this, and I KNOW THAT, yet my brain disagrees.

It sickens me to think I spent all those years with someone that either honestly did not care about me, or sure convinced me afterwards that he didn't. 7-8 months into the relationship was when talk of marriage started getting thrown around. I wasn't in any particular rush, having been divorced for less than two years, but to ME, we were happy. I (wrongly) assumed that someday there would be some grand proposal and we would live happily ever after.

Instead, I was later told:

  • I never wanted to be in a relationship with you, but you bought me stuff and did nice things for me so I felt like I had to. (Oh. That's nice. I'm so happy you used me).
  • I wish we had never met. (Oh. Also nice. No matter HOW things ended, I would NEVER tell someone that).
  • You weren't even my "type" but the sex was good so I figured... (Oh. Again. Maybe this is why I was never good enough to go with you to your friend's houses. Maybe this is why you never proposed. Maybe this is why you didn't introduce me to your dad until we had been dating for over THREE years, even though he only lives 15 minutes away).
  • All you are after is money. That's the only reason you want to be with me. (Huh. Ok. When we started dating, I made almost double the money. By the time we broke up, we made about the same). Seems to me, that he was "happy" when I was paying for trips to California, taking him to Broncos games and buying him stuff. 
What this has done to me:
  • I honestly never feel like doing ANYTHING FOR ANYONE EVER AGAIN. I feel like I was stabbed in the fucking back. And the "hilarious" part about the break-up? He was OUT less than two weeks after our big fight. No notice, nothing. Left me high and dry with rent, utilities, etc. THANK YOU SO MUCH. He moved 99% of his stuff out while I was with Ariel in Moab.
  • I don't feel like I can believe a single word out of any man's mouth ever again. I was completely blind sighted by ALL of this. I mean, sure, we had problems, but I never felt like he was "unhappy" - if anything, I was the one that got a little stir crazy and cranky because we didn't DO anything. I never felt like I couldn't trust him, I never felt like I needed to "spy" on him. After the break-up, I did something I'm not to proud of, I went through all his tweets (not many, only a few hundred) and there were some "questionable" propositions and lots of DM requests. So, he WAS NOT happy and I did NOT do it for him and I assume he found someone else.
  • I have embarrassed myself for months, begging for someone to give me another chance and have been told to fuck off in a thousand different ways.
WHY WHY WHY. I don't know what is wrong with my brain that I cannot get this through my head. I don't know what is wrong with ME that someone would treat me like that. I don't know what else is wrong with me that I have managed to alienate just about every person on earth. 

My FAVORITE part of my life right now is all my super awesome friends DYING to tell me about THEIR relationships.

DO YOU KNOW THAT I DO NOT CARE ONE TINY BIT ABOUT HOW HAPPY YOU ARE? OR THAT YOU HAD SOOOOO MUCH BETTER LUCK THAN I DID WITH ONLINE DATING? AND I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO HELP YOU IN ANALYZING WHERE YOU "ARE" IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

I guess I have over-complained. No one wants to hear it anymore. No one wants to ask how things are. And you know what, I can't blame them. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR IT, and yet, it just keeps repeating over and over and over in my head.

No point to this blog only to say - yes, I'm depressed. Yes, I am really unhappy with my life right now. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I don't want to talk to anyone, yet at the same time it sucks that I don't even have anyone TO talk to. I'm skipping my work Christmas party because I am the ONLY single person in my entire firm.

And I'm angry. Every single teeny tiny little thing sets me off. I have lost all control of my emotions. I have turned into a crazy person. If I didn't know me, I would be annoyed and irritated by the person I've become. But I don't know how to "fix" it.

Maybe when I get my tax return I'll have the money to see a doctor and get a prescription. Beer is getting too expensive and it clearly isn't helping anyway.

Anyway, just needed to vent.

6 comments:

  1. This makes me sad. I'm not even going to begin to try to analyze what's going on or give you advice. I don't even know you--even though I feel like I do. I do know that when things are at their worst, the only place to go is up. It's coming. You just don't know when or how.

    I don't believe in God, but if you do, it might give you some comfort to turn to that right now.

    Guys are assholes and I'm pretty sure if I ever divorced or became a widow, I would never date again. I just don't have the energy for that type of bullshit.

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  2. i was in a very similar place in 2009 with both men drama and $$. unfortunately (at least for me) no advice from anyone really helps. it literally takes a snapping point or exhaustion from all the tears to finally be able to move on and be okay. Hopefully that will happen for you soon. Hang in there

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  3. I'm sorry. I understand. Especially about people droning on about their own relationships. The smug ones are the worst. There are no magic words to get your through. Just try to do things that bring you some fun and joy. I think this time of year always makes things worse with the dark short days.....it'll get better.

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  4. I agree, there are no magic words.

    I can't say things will get better, or something will change, because, you know, who knows? But what CAN change is how you choose to feel about the things around you. When you are constantly thinking about what you don't have, can't afford, are unhappy with, what other people are doing, it's easy to fall into the sneaky hate spiral.

    Sometimes, if you look, you can find that gross piece of corn under the refrigerator.

    You can't control what other people say or think about you. You can only control how you choose to take that information. So now you know J thought those things. So what. It's over. Are those things true? Are they things you want to change?

    Anyway. Don't let yourself be defined by this.

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  5. (((Hugs)))
    I'm hoping that by writing this you have a sense of release. No, all your problems aren't solved but it does help to get it out. And until you start to feel better, maybe you can focus on what is good in your world - I find that when I force myself to focus on the good, it starts to outshine what feels so overwhelmingly bad.

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  6. I know it's easier said than done, but don't beat yourself up for meeting an A$$HOLE. Love makes everybody blind and I don't think you should feel ashamed or bad for trusting somebody and loving somebody. I'm a big believer in karma and karma is a bitch. Sooner or later, he will get the payback he deserves and you will be in a very good place soon. Don't look back and beat yourself up. Try to take it one day at a time and make it the best day for you and your little daughter. Good things will happen to good people!

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