Thursday, August 1, 2013

The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

(Because blogging is cheaper than therapy)

Normally on the first of the month I would be posting a boring post about the number of miles I ran and how awesome I am or how I am giant disappointment. I'm not doing that this month because I DON'T CARE.

I. Don't. Care.

I'll outline in bullets.

  • I would LOVE for someone, ANYONE, to tell me what my giant personality flaw is that I'm so easy to walk away from. No, really. My ex moved to a different state and I hear from him maybe 10 times a year. A doesn't hear from him either. After 4 years of dating and living together, J walked out the door without a look back. Clearly it is me, not them.
  • Related: Being told stupid things like "you'll be fine" and "it's no big deal" and "I don't understand why you're so upset anyway" just makes me ragey and sad.
  • I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm mad. 
  • There is nothing worse than telling someone you love them and not even getting a response back.
  • I'm acting like a crazy person. I hate being on social media. Everyone is so fucking happy it just pisses me off. It isn't fair. I changed my phone number. And the sad thing is... I didn't even need to. I have had ZERO people email/FB/tweet me to say that can't get a hold of me. ZERO. No, it's not just the fact that I had yet another guy walk out on me and A, I don't even have any "friends" that even give a crap to ask me if I'm ok.
  • I'm not ok. The last month with A in Texas was awful. At least when she is here I have "responsibility" and something to occupy my time. Other than the few times I ran with Hope, I had ZERO friends that offered to take me out or come over and have a beer. ZERO.
  • I'm over it. I'm tired of everything. Nothing is fun. Nothing is interesting. Nothing sounds exciting. I am not looking forward to everything. I hate my job. I hate being broke. I hate my life right now.
Things I assumed would make me happy:
  • Losing weight. Nope. Who cares. I doubt my weight loss would be so great if I wasn't too depressed to eat. Nothing sounds good. 
  • Being able to run again. I guess. I mean out of everything I guess not hating running is a good thing, although now that A is back and I no longer have someone to watch her I am back to running on the fucking treadmill. WHICH I HATE.
So what is even the point of this. Nothing I guess. Other than it has been two months and I feel just as crappy now as I did then. 

When I was a kid I automatically assumed I would get married and have a family and live happily ever after. Turns out, not so much. I don't even feel like I have that high of expectations. Having a job, a car, good with A, mutual respect, a little support and a compliment here and there.

Well. Not so much. 

What I'm left with is being 35 years old, a single mom with dead-end shit job who lives with her sister. And I get to START OVER again.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm tired of being desperate and needy and insane. I'm just tired.

Back to blogging hiatus.

14 comments:

  1. So sorry you are having to deal with all this. I wish I could reach through this computer and give you a hug. I would watch A so you could run too. Life sucks sometimes. Isn't it amazing how you think it is going to be so great when you grow up. You think it will be so easy. Then you hit reality and the easy part never really happens.

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  2. It will get better! I'm sorry things are so cruddy right now:(

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  3. I'm sorry you are having a rough time. :( Keep your chin up it will get better, maybe not tomorrow but it will.

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  4. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Very few of us are where we thought we'd be. I'll spare you my own personal details, but I can relate. All we can do is feel sorry for ourselves for a while, then try to build some type of routine that drags us out of it. If running isn't working for you, what about finding something new? Living Social and Groupon have offers on all kinds of things like yoga or bootcamp or rock climbing. Maybe finding a new challenge would help....and as for Facebook...I don't think everyone is truly happy. I think they just want everyone else to THINK that. Hugs to you.

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  5. Becka-you are an awesome person and you'll get through this. Life is really, really ridiculously hard at times and really awesome at others.

    At the end of the day, the person you can most rely on is yourself, so work on that relationship. Other people can't and won't bring you out of your funk - you can, you'll just need to search for how it will get done. It's different for everyone, but maybe try to change your perspective a bit and remember no one has it easy.

    And social media doesn't help anyone when they're in a low place. When my life was in the complete dumps, I stopped blogging, quit Facebook, never checked Twitter, and worked on the REAL relationships in my life. Those are the ones that matter. Who gives a damn if you have 500 friends on Facebook or a million followers on Twitter? Nobody. Take time to fall back in love with Becka and remember what makes you special (it's not a guy, it's not your family, it's not a job, it's the parts of you that make YOU).

    XOXOXOXO from San Diego :)

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  6. Dang, B. I've wanted to fix you all summer. I wish I could.

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  7. :( So sorry you are feeling so down. I know it is hard, but when you go to bed each day, think about what the best part of the day was and focus on that, even if it was something small or simple like enjoying the beauty on one of your trail runs. Maybe that will give you a little glimmer of hope that will soon grow.

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  8. I've never commented on your blog before, but I wanted to today. I'm sorry you're feeling crummy. I'd take you out for a beer or come over if I were nearby, because I know how lonely it gets going through stuff by yourself. Especially when people say stuff that really isn't helpful even when they say it with the best of intentions.

    And I don't want to hear that 35 is too old to start over, because I'm in a very similar boat. It totally sucks and all you can do is pretend it doesn't and hope that reality catches up soon enough. You have A, you're not alone, and you will be okay.

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  9. {{{HUGS}}} I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

    I think some of the no one checking in or seeing friends is summer. I've hardly heard from anyone at all this summer, but come fall, I know I'll be seeing all my usual friends.

    Catch a cheap flight to DC and I'm happy to run with you, take you on tours of the area, and you would not believe my beer stash. ;o)

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  10. I wish I could fly over and give you a hug and have a beer with you. The only thing I can suggest is a therapist. I know our situations are different, but it has honestly helped me so much sort out my feelings and gain self worth. If you ever want to talk, let me know.

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  11. I know I can't say anything that will help, but I wish I could. Thinking of you and hoping things get better soon.

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  12. Remember that you are an inspiration.

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  13. I'm so sorry to hear that you feel this way. I read your blog and I think you are AMAZING. I seriously look forward to your new posts, because your adventures are so interesting.

    If I lived in Colorado, I would totally take you out for a beer... but I don't, so accept this virtual cheers from Illinois :)

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  14. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. People do care about you.I just want you to know I truly find your blog inspiring.I hope that things start looking up for you soon.
    Even though I don't know you and I have only said hello at a race, I may just give you a big old sweaty hug next time.

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